Today marks six months to the day since Gabriel was diagnosed with t-cell acute lymphoblastic leukemia. I wish I could say the past six months have been smooth. I wish I could say the past six months have been easy. But, I would be lying if I did.
The past six months have SUCKED.
Leukemia sucks. Cancer sucks. It’s a horrible disease that takes so much from the person suffering from the disease as well as all those who love and cherish the individual afflicted.
Compounding, at times exponentially, the toll of our journey as a family with Gabriel’s cancer, Chet and I have been faced with many other burdens, challenges and heart wrenching circumstances beyond Gabe’s cancer. The past six months would have been difficult enough emotionally with the other things that have occurred in our lives – major health issues with close family, the death of a dearest family member, deaths of family of close friends, and more – yet, all this has been piled on the stresses of coping with a child who is fighting the battle of his life, for his life.
I’ve had many friends share this quote from Mother Teresa:
I know GOD will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish HE didn’t trust me so much.
Last night, Gabriel was downstairs cleaning his bedroom. Chet looked down the stairs to see Gabe sitting on the floor of his room crying. We went downstairs to understand what was going on, and he was looking through a book of pictures of his first grade class, crying because he misses his friends. He misses friendship, companionship, socialization, things 6 year old children should be able to experience. Things kids his age should be experiencing, but he hasn’t because of the cancer. He has missed out on those precious moments because of the horrible awful despicable cancer. It took every thread of my being not to sit there and sob with him.
We had to make a decision at the end of the school year: were we going to advance Gabriel to second grade, or were we going to hold him back in first grade? Gabriel was doing great in math, science, etc., but his reading is way behind. Ultimately, we chose to hold him since he has been by far the youngest in his grade (he made the cutoff for kindergarten by four days), he is by far the smallest kid, and what was the point of pushing him forward. It seems like it should have been a no-brainer, but it was a difficult choice for Chet and I. We knew that Gabriel would watch his friends, those same friends who he misses, advance without him. We knew he’s good to go in every other subject than reading/language. But, we also knew that we had to do what was best for him, not what seemed like a “feel good” choice at the moment.
As my grandmother so appropriately phrased it for us, “he’s not repeating first grade, he’s finishing first grade.” And that’s so true. Because of his treatment he missed half the school year.
But, despite the decision being correct or right – the fact that we had to make that decision when Gabe’s missed out on so much with those friends hurts. My heart hurts.
However, despite all the tears that have been shed, despite all the sadness and difficult days, we are so blessed. We are truly blessed beyond measure.
Six months ago – at the time this picture was taken, just a mere three days before I received the fateful phone call, Gabriel likely had leukemia raging throughout his body, but we had no idea. He was happy, adorable, and just a regular 6 year old.
And, today, Gabriel still is a happy adorable and regular 6 year old thankfully to the keen observations of Dr. Christopherson and the swift response by all involved, particularly the Oncology doctors at Children’s Hospital Oakland. The mere fact that today, a child whose body was being consumed by cancer is still with us is a beautiful and wonderful blessing.
We are blessed that Gabriel has responded incredibly well to treatment. We have received so many enthusiastic responses from all of the doctors who have been involved in his care and treatment regarding his response to the treatment he has received. We are blessed that we have a child who has tolerated the medicines, the poisons, the pokes, the tests, the doctors visits, and the isolation so well.
We have been blessed with a community of family and friends who have offered so much support, love, prayer and help when we’ve called for it.
We’re blessed that aside from one infection, our only hospital admissions have been routine and scheduled.
We’re blessed, because we have seen Gabriel grow into a little person wise beyond his years with a heart of love and appreciation for the silver linings offered by the disease, even when he’s otherwise upset about the less appealing aspects.
Chet and I have been blessed with one another. When I’m weak, he is strong for the two of us. When he struggles, I have the strength to offer to him in return. We are blessed that despite some of the most stressful circumstances one can find themselves experiencing, we are more unified in our marriage than I believe we were before.
Laura Story, a singer and songwriter wrote a song “Blessings.” The lyrics are spot on in so many different ways.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I recently found out my aunt passed away over the weekend. She lost her fight against cancer. Cancer sucks.
I loved my Aunt Mary. I have countless fond memories of my time with her. Love filled, laughter filled moments. Moments that I will carry continually in my heart. My Aunt Mary showed me different ways to look at things. She planted a seed for my love of cast iron cookware, my interest in cake decorating. Through her and my Uncle Emo, I was introduced to the idea that regular people can have farm animals, can provide for themselves off the land, can be independent spirits. Yet, for reasons I don’t know and probably wouldn’t ever be able to understand, she isolated herself from the family during her battle. While I accept the decisions and choices she made, those same choices and decisions have left me baffled. And loosing her to cancer just scraped at the slowly healing wounds of my heart relating to Gabriel.
Godspeed Aunt Mary. I love you and will carry in my heart your smile, your laughter, and the beauty of your heart.
Next week Gabriel enters the second to last phase of his treatment – delayed intensification. The next eight weeks will be difficult in our household as we again go into complete lockdown mode. Gabe’s counts will be extremely low for the bulk of the summer. Chet and I are beginning to mentally, emotionally, and logistically prepare for this last phase. We’re ready. We’re ready to get to maintenance so that Gabriel will finally achieve normalcy in his life. Until then, we are equipped for this next “battle.”
Please, continue to pray for us, Gabriel and my family. We’ve experienced a lot already in 2011, and the year’s yet through.
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